then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
