Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
