You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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