Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
