I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
