People with herpes should wear stickers.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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