Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
