The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
