I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
