Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
