I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
