he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
