i think my mom watched the whole time
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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