i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
