I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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