this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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