he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
