I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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