I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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