Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
