I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
