the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
