I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
