dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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