I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize