My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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