Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
