he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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