let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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