I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
