I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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