I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
