The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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