My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize