3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you didnt know i had herpes?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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