mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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