what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
