she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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