he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
