brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
