it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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