I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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