ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize