Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I need a beard to bite.
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