Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
