If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize