please come you make the beer taste better
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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