Will you blow on my dice?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
