every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
