dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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