I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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