Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
