even my farts smell like vagina
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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