will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
