dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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