watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Found your dick twin last night
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
