The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
