i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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