Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
