I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
