the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just invented taco cereal.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
