Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
