Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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