how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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