After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
