There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
