Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
